Fuck self doubt.
All we can be is ourselves, and our authenticity is enough.
Where the hell did all our self worth issues stem from? Why the fuck are we all walking around hating ourselves? What is the go with keeping ourselves small out of fear?
I have been allowing fear to take a front seat of late, and it makes a shitty passenger.
I don't know when it flooded back into my life. I guess it was a slow creep. Gradually seeping into cracks I had tried to hard to seal up.
I so badly wanted to believe I had come to a place of acceptance and love for myself. I really felt that I had. But the emotional turmoil and stress of the last few months have thrown me back into the self hate abyss again.
I should have seen the signs. Neglecting my self care. Getting a little bit lazy with my thoughts. Judging my body (judging others too). Being too caught up in other people's stuff, instead of focusing on my own.
I started getting anxious again. I looked at my body and all of a sudden didn't like what I saw. I took up binge drinking, and eating too much to cover everything up (I am a fun person, see?).
I cry every day, at yoga. At home. Driving. When listening to music. When talking to friends. All the emotion.
I feel like a failure, even though I haven't "failed" anything. I'm just bumbling through life like everyone else.
So why the judgement? It's almost second nature. I don't remember a time when I didn't judge myself. Perhaps it's innate. But I am over it. Judging ourselves doesn't make anything better, it just makes us judged.
What are we really scared of? I don't think I am enough. But I don't even know what "enough" is. Who is enough? What do they have that I don't?
Nothing. We are all just doing our best. Except we doubt ourselves. We don't know what trusting ourselves feels like.
Trusting myself and believing in myself would feel like freedom. It would feel like expansiveness. Imagine all the space that would open within ourselves if we stopped criticising ourselves every two minutes. The energy that would be able to flow from us because it wouldn't be blocked by fear and negative thoughts about ourselves.
It would be bliss. Non-judgment and self belief would be an incredible life. But most of us don't have that. And I get that.
We have to start from the start. We have to work. We have to trust.
Fuck self doubt, yes, but it is here to teach us something. To teach us everything. To face it and acknowledge it and forge ahead with it.
Self doubt is completely self made. So if we created it, we can dull it down too.
I think we need to start back to basics we love, for ourselves and care, for our souls.
A mantra to let it go, one I have been saying a lot is simply "I release".
And a self-embodiment practice to get us being present in our bodies and in touch with ourselves. I have been practicing more yoga of late, especially yin. This is slow and connective and honouring for our bodies. Today I took a walk with a friend in the sun, steady and grounded and connected. Do something, every day, to get back into yourself. Nothing too hard or heavy.
When we can honour ourselves truly, it starts to quieten down the doubt, the hate. It turns up the love. When we come back to ourselves and see how incredible our existence really is, that overflowing gratitude counteracts the fear we have.
Go for the good. Lean into love. Fight for yourself, because we are worthy.