I FUCKED UP.

And I wanna own up...

I’m ready to own it.

We’re all easy to blame when our relationships turn to shit, aren’t we?

Fuck you X, they did this, and that, and something else, and now look what they are doing!

And of course I am over here being perfect and I didn’t do anything wrong!

Am I right?!

Firstly, I want to fess up to the fact that I always intrinsically believed that there was a right person and a wrong person, until one day my beloved psychologist pointed out that both parties in the relationship always contribute equally to any issued, because each party as a whole person. And a relationship is made up of two people, not just a right (clever) person and the wrong (dumb) person.

Having that belief going into my last relationship (and let’s face it, probably every one before that) made me feel like I had to “win” every disagreement and every argument. Every time conflict arose (which unfortunately it started to do often), I had to emerge the winner. I had to beat my ex. I am pretty competitive…

So that kinda sucked for her and made it pretty hard for us to fight fair.

Next on my list of sins was control.

Yes I am a type A kinda personality, as well as a Leo and I like things my way. This was literally my excuse for behaving often like a crazy person because I could not control a situation or her life or my life.

I would often just say, well hey that’s how I am. Later on, I would add, that’s how I am and I am working on it. I feel like if I sent that in a text it would have the girl with her arms held up emoji (whose brain doesn’t work in emojis these days).

Oops. This probably wasn’t conducive to a relationship where both parties are equal and both parties respect one another. Of course I had a deep respect for her and I did desire for us to be equal, but fuck I held onto those control issues so tightly, it became suffocating for everyone and really, for the relationship too.

I latched onto control when I was pulling myself out of major mental health issues (which I’ll blog about another day and am writing a book about). It became my lifeline, being able to control aspects of my life and her life and our life, from what we ate and when, to where we/she went and when and who we associated with, what we watched. UGH. That was a bit shit really.

It helped me be able ground myself during these times and inevitably, I did get better, but it also happened to fuck up our relationship a fair bit.

I never truly admitted this or worked through it for that matter. I know I had been a bit of a shitty person to be around for a number of years, but I blamed it on situations, my past, my diagnosed condition, everyone else but myself.

Here I am now, swallowing my pride and admitting that I fucked up.

And the fact that I could never admit that I personally fucked up, at any time?

I am admitting that too.

For me, that habit started early...

I stayed at a friend’s house once in primary school, and I woke up earlier than her in the morning. I was SO bored but didn’t want to wake her up and didn’t know the house that well, so I turned on the lamp but covered it with a teddy bear and started to read my book. I obviously became SO engrossed in the book (probably Babysitters Club, let’s be honest) that the teddy started to emit a burning smell from it’s butt. I whipped that thing off, switched off the light, hid the teddy (obvs, in a drawer) and closed my eyes, pretending that nothing had happened. I remember the father of my friend sticking his head in to enquire about the nature of the burning smell, but I was asleep! And then my friend, asking where her bear was and later finding said bear, with quiet a burn on his poor butt and asking me about it and me DENYING that I had even seen the bear. I mean, come on, there was no-one else there! Of course it was me! I never did get invited back to my friend’s place and I never did admit to injuring her teddy.

This is how much I have avoided being “wrong”. My whole life.

This is how much I hate owning up to my shit.

This is how much I squirm when I try to apologise, or am forced to or feel it’s the right thing to do to say sorry.

I suck at it.

My god I hate admitting that I have hurt someone, said something that affected someone negatively, didn’t fulfil an obligation I said I would, let someone down, didn’t do my best in a given situation.

I will literally do anything to avoid it, including blaming the other person, pretending that nothing happen, saying that I have nothing to be sorry for and trying to prove that I am right.

I’m like a five year old kid having to own up to something naughty that they have done.

Seriously, I hate saying this but I am.

This trait doesn’t make to easy to make mistakes, or to resolve conflicts, or anything where one person has potentially hurt the other. Which means that everyone has to be perfect all the time which is not real life. Oh dear, I have fucked up in this way as well. Many times.

And it’s time to own it all, learn from it all and then let it go. And try a whole lot fucking harder and better in the future to not revert to these behaviours.

This is why we have these experiences and realisations though right?

To grow and learn and share and then go out and do it all again, but better.

So my friend, have you fucked up too?

Is it time to own it?

Decipher it and learn from it, then let it go?

It’s pretty bloody empowering, this whole process and I would love to take you through it. Shoot me an email (hi@cindrabanks.com) and join my coaching program starting in March!

PS I fucked up in other ways too…And will continue to do so as I navigate future relationships, and on and on, because that’s human nature. No-one is perfect as we know. My only intention is to keep noticing when I do and keep trying to be the best version of me. Oh and learn to apologise from the heart.

PPS I’m sorry I fucked up and I’m owning that. I hope you can too.