Release that shit.
2017 was a year of letting go. Letting go in a way that I fought so hard against it could have very much been a year of holding on.
Saying goodbye is scary. Change is often hard to swallow.
Letting go leaves space and often we aren't sure that we can fill that space, or we don't know how to live without that space being filled in our lives...
Letting go can leave us feeling empty. Alone. Less than. Fucking fearful of being without.
For me, I had to let go of someone that I loved very much and for a long time.
For you, maybe it's the same. Or maybe it's a job. Or a business. Or a pursuit that doesn't light you up anymore.
It becomes your identity.
You are the wife of x. You are manager of x. You are the person that runs x or owns x or does x.
You become part of something bigger than little old you.
You come to think you need x. You depend on x. Being with/doing/living with x gets comfortable and oh so familiar.
Coming home to x made me feel like everything was going to be okay (even when we weren't). Being with x allowed me to stay completely in my comfort zone.
Without really knowing it, I gave up so much of who I am for x, even though x never asked me to. I merged into x and lost a major part of Cindra.
And I didn't even realise it! I was a dulled down version of myself with x, because I felt that I didn't need to push myself or work on myself (passed the work inside the relationship) or keep challenging myself. I was with x. All was well (it wasn't).
After about five months of grieving, it fucking hit me over the head. Hard.
The old me. I was BACK. I was dancing. Singing. Laughing. Being. Meeting new people. Making new connections. Vibrant. Shiny. Present. Less worried. More free.
I know I was this person before I met x. Well this person minus some maturity.
Fuck I had missed this person.
But letting go of x was hard, let me tell you.
I held on so fucking tightly my knuckles turned white. I gripped. I waited. I hung in there. I was in it. In the thick of what was falling apart but I held on.
Letting go is hard to do. It feels easier in the moment to stay, I know.
It's not. Not really. Not in the long term.
Once you let go, it gets harder. And as humans we are conditioned to avoid pain. So we avoid letting go of x to avoid feeling pain. Makes sense really.
We can't protect ourselves forever though. There is always going to be downs, because we have ups. There is always going to be troughs because we have peaks.
There is always going to be shit-storms because there is rainbows.
You gotta let go of x. I know you know. You're thinking about it.
That job that is strangling you. That partner that is suffocating you. That business that is drowning you. Even that friend that is fucking with you.
Get rid of it.
Embrace the space. YOU CAN occupy your own space, you know?
You don't NEED x to be there. It's actually yours.
It will be tough. It will take time. Surrender to it. Own it. Let it.
And then let yourself be everything you can be. Let yourself be better than you were when you had x.
RELEASE that shit, babe xox