I just ate 2/3 of a block of chocolate (organic, vegan, natural ingredients, no refined sugar) and am full of guilt. Can't shake that shame, based on past experiences of binge eating, of hating myself, of rejecting my body.
Unfortunately, the shame, the guilt, all those negative feels happen to be my default setting. It's where my mind goes when it has time and space and when things are going well for me. It goes to the "what ifs", it brings up shitty memories from the past and throws them in my face like, don't get too comfortable bitch, because this could be you again!
Me eating this chocolate. I mean, I am trying to alkalise and cleanse this week, so have been avoiding starchy carbs, booze and fruit in all forms. It's devastating because I am in Bali and because I love carbs. My little treat has been raw chocolate (because cacao is a superfood right) and a coffee (because it's life). So I have been eating less and probably doing more movement than usual. Calorie deficit. Equals plenty of room for chocolate (not that it's ever stopped me before).
But eating 2/3 of that block tonight took me back to eating 2/3 of a tray of Woolie's doughnuts. And not eating and enjoying, scoffing and hiding and hating myself and hiding the evidence and throwing the remainder of the tray out saying "never again", only to then stop in at McDonald's and order more food.
Old habits die hard. Old memories stick around.
I love myself. I do. But when I'm alone, the binge eating, the slow depression, the worry, the anxiety, likes to creep back in. It's like a switch flicks on the moment I lower my vibes. BOOM. Before you know it, the past seeps in.
I went to a 1.5 hour yin class tonight. I am not used to stillness. My worries plagued me the whole class. What if I shouldn't have come here for a month? What if I don't have enough money? What happens when I go home? What if, what if, what if.
I couldn't stop moving around. I was drowning in my own negative thought spiral. Too much time, too much space, too much.
It's interesting to observe. It's good to have non-attachment.
I forgive myself for even worrying about the chocolate. It was delicious. And I enjoyed it thoroughly. And my body loved it.
I forgive myself for seemingly "wasting" time in the yin class worrying about shit that doesn't need to be worried about.
I know it's my body fighting against old ways of being. And fighting hard.
When we introduce new ways of being - For me, stillness and slow, our old selves can't stand it. WTF are you doing man, we run on full on or not at all, there is no other way!
Seriously, it's a neural pathway that we are trying to recreate. That is hard shit. That's why it's so hard to change habits. You are literally fighting yourself, fighting your brain to ingrain this new way of being.
I am the most impatient person you will meet, but I swear patience helps. Patience and a lot of compassion.
Maybe my default setting will always be to put myself down, to worry about the future, to overthink things to the point of becoming anxious. I'm sure part of it will always hang around, vying for space and time in my life.
But I am strong now. I am too strong to let all of that rule me. I am better than that, I am better without it all. I am better loving myself. I am better honouring myself. I am better thinking positively and lovingly and graciously.
I am better switching off that default setting, thankyou very much.